another first

A friend recently asked me how I'm doing on the whole I don't have a baby but I want a baby thing. For the first time, I felt like I could answer that question without taking a huge gasp of breath and launching into the terribly tired monologue I mentioned earlier.

Omitting that whole scene felt like sweet relief washing over me. I was thinking about why this was and realized it's because I finally said what I needed to say. All those emotions and words that had been filling my thoughts and my heart found their resting place here.

And so I responded, I am really doing well.

I didn't have to pretty up my response to sell it because for possibly the very first time ever, I meant it.

a first time for those words

I sat in a chair overlooking the tops of trees some eleven floors up. The physical part of the exam was over. Isn't that what most women dread? The poking and proding of your lady parts? It's not that I enjoy that part of the exam by any means, but it's definitely not the worst to me.

The worst comes when I have to go into his personal office at the end of the hallway to talk about it. Sometimes the tears hit me before I even make it to his mahogany clad den, while I'm riping off that paper gown, lubricant still wet between my legs.

We've talked about my family history for two consecutive visits now. His department has been moving from paper files to computer and thus, we talk history again. I don't necessarily mind that part, even if it is redundant. I feel a pang of pride and thankfulness wash over me when I talk about my Nana being a breast cancer survivor, my Dad a skin cancer survivor.

But the fear and dread are there, completely present, dancing under the surface of my skin with a heat that feels like it's burning me alive.

Are you on any form of birth control? he asks.

Buck up, hold back the tears, just answer the question.

I'm not, I respond.

How long has it been anyway? I usually get the amount of time mixed up, my heart begging my brain not to remember out of a staunch defense over my emotions.

We haven't used any protection in two years, voice miraculously controlled, knowing it's been more like three.

Then I launch directly into the monologue I could quote in my sleep I've said it so many times.

I believe there's a difference in trying to conceive and just not preventing.
We aren't trying, really. I've never taken my temperature. I don't even know my ovulation cycle.
So we can't say we are trying. We just aren't preventing pregnancy.
I believe there's a difference.

Yes, he concludes. I agree. I do not recommend couples seek fertility treatment until a calendar year of actually trying to conceive.

Do you believe there is anything that would cause me to not be able to get pregnant?

Nothing obvious. Your exam is normal. You have a regular cycle. The next step we'd take would be testing your husband. It's easier to rule out the male before beginning the tests on the female. Once he's ruled out, we'd run a panel of your blood and then conduct a dye test to make sure your insides are working correctly.

Okay, I reply. I'm not exactly worried, I just really want to have children one day.

Well, your clock is ticking. PAUSE. He must have seen the look on my face because he added, I mean, it's not ticking fast, but it is beginning to tick.

I am only 29 years old!!! I heard myself scream within my head. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. And the heart, too.

He gave me a pep talk that went something like, You should try not to be anxious. Most couples who struggle to get pregnant have no problem conceiving once they let go of their worry. This couple and that couple adopted a baby and then got pregnant themselves mere months later.

He begins shifting my file of papers in order and starts to stand up.

Doctor, just one last thing...

It came out before I could stop it. I was about to get away without The Worst of the worst conversations taking place and here I was inviting it. Slap myself.

I know that I am not at my healthiest weight. I think that's the main thing holding me back from really wanting to be pregnant right now. I'd really like to be at a healthier place physically before I conceive.

For some reason, making this admission felt like I was saying, Once I get my svelte figure back, the lack of which drives my security into the ground, I am confident I will be able to get pregnant, aren't you?

I hate to admit it, but I think I was expecting him to smile his grandfatherly smile, hug my shoulders and say something like, You are right. Once you get to your goal weight, I can assure you a baby will practically leap into your body.

Instead, he tilted his head, almost shrugged and said, You've been saying you want to get healthy for the past three years. There's a time to be optimistic and a time to be realistic.

And with that, the hot tears I'd been holding in for the better portion of an hour began to flow.

baby's house

dear rigobaby,

We talk about you often. We may be sitting on our couch in our studio apartment or lying on the grass in Central Park, and J, your daddy, will reach over and pat my the lower part of my tummy and say, Hello, Baby's House! It's one of the sweetest phrases I've ever heard. One day I asked your daddy to tell me about Baby's House and this is what he had to say...

Well, one day a baby (that's you, rigobaby) is gonna move in to Baby's House and it's going to be real sweet and loving.

Then what will happen? I asked.

Then, that baby's gonna grow until one day it gets too big for Baby's House and moves in to our house!

I need you to know, rigobaby, that your daddy is one of the best men I've ever met. I can't wait to tell you more about him. For now, I want you to know that we are very happy as a family of two, but we'll welcome the day you make us a family of three.

love,
mama

a fresh start

I came here to say something. To be my realest self.
Far away from judgy eyes, from hurtful words, from toxic relationships.

These are the resounding words of my heart.
I feel them when I wake and when I sleep and all the moments in between.
I am never far from them.

I want to have a baby.
A baby that is one part me and one part the man I love more than my life itself.

And I don't know if that is possible.

My heart aches.